A good nights sleep….

Exactly what is this phenomena that every one talks about in the morning time?
I haven’t had a “good nights sleep” close to a year..seriously.

I wake up at least 3-5 times a night with grandma.
We’re up between 12-1 am
Then we get up between 3-4 am
Then we’re up again at 5 am for morning meds
Then she wakes up about 7-7:30 am
Then breakfast at about 9:30-10

Then she takes a nap, but I can’t sleep then.
Then I’m awake, usually doing dishes or cleaning house, or waiting on nurses & aides to get here.
Today I will be up waiting for meds to be delivered.

I’m so completely exhausted.
I don’t blame grandma at all, she’s old, and has a weak bladder and needs her pain meds all throughout the night.
Who I do blame is my damn family.
Why does NO ONE notice how tired I am?
When I do say something like “ugh, I’m so tired grandma was up and down all night”
or “I need a nap”
I always get the same two responses
“well sleep when she sleeps ” Yea, I’ll just NOT do the dishes and clean the house, we’ll see what kind of reaction and looks I get
or my absolute favorite “I don’t know how you can be tired, you stay home all day” You know you’re absolutely right, cause I do NOTHING but take care of every single need and want of our grandmother, talk to nurses and deal with an aide,  make sure meds are taken on time, do the dishes, clean the house, and cook dinner..but no, I don’t know why I’m tired either
So I walk around literally exhausted 99% of the time…

You would think after a year and three months of this, I’d be used to it, but clearly I’m not.

Everyone keeps telling me that this is a “choice” I’m making and I need to “make a change”
But what people don’t realize, is no, this was not a choice, well I guess in a way it was, I could have chosen to just run off and leave my grandma on her own, but that wouldn’t have been the right thing to do.
Still it wasn’t my choice to be her caregiver, it was my families, no one else stood up and said “you know what Donna, we’ll do this together, we’ll all help you”
Nope, not once.
And I can’t just decide to not take care of her anymore, I mean I’ve been her caregiver for a year, I’m the only one out of her grand kids that knows what she likes and don’t like, hell no one even knows the nurses names or the aides, or what doctor came and seen her last week…I am the only one who knows this shit.

I just wish I could lay down and sleep whenever I needed too.
Like Lynn, yes she works, yes she has a teenage daughter she has to take care of (who’s hardly ever home by the way) so yes, she is tired when she gets home and sometimes takes a nap, or comes home and gets on the computer until she goes to bed, I get that she needs a stress reliever, that she needs to “check-out” for a little bit, I can understand that, but would it hurt maybe on Sat. to pick up the slack with grandma a little, and let me just sleep…I just want to sleep, sleep until I can’t sleep anymore, until my body literally can NOT hold it’s eyes closed, that is what I want and need.

Is it too much to ask for someone else to do the dishes, cook dinner, clean the house? Is it too much to ask for someone to say “wow Donna you look tired, let me help you” once in a while?
Apparently so.

Yes, Lynn and the kids will get grandma a bowl of ice cream here or there, or fix her a glass of juice or whatever..but no one sees that I need their help in bigger ways.

For example, I did get to go out last Saturday night, I had the best time in such a long time, it was great, I met some cool people, got to hang out with one of my oldest friends, get completely drunk, and I actually smiled a real smile, it was fantastic.
The next day, I was so hung over (worth it though) I literally got sick like 4 times, my head was pounding, I looked like something from the show “The Walking Dead” (again worth it)
No one (didn’t really think anyone would) said “oh Donna, did you have fun last night, here let me take care of grandma while you sleep, you need it drunkey” in a laughing manner of course, no one said “Donna, let me cook dinner, I can see you don’t feel like looking at food” nope, not at all.

It doesn’t really matter if I’m hung over or have the stomach flu, no one seems to want to help with the big things. No one cares to know anything about the Hospice schedule or the nurses and aides names, or what pharmacy delivers grandma’s meds, no one cares that I’m exhausted. No one cares that I’m depressed, no one cares that I feel so left out of the world, no one cares. It’s as simple as that.

Like during the weekends, I am still doing everything, while Lynn is like “I’m going to take a nap” then sleeps from like 3-8 pm
She’s always like “well sleep while grandma sleeps” That would be possible if she didn’t wake up as soon as I laid down, there really is no point

No, instead I just try to tough it out the best I can.
No, my life isn’t horrible, shit could always be worse, and I know this.
I also know I’ve been blessed, I’m not saying I haven’t.
All I want is a little more help so I can actually sleep.

That “good night-sleep” that every one talks about…
I know I’m not the only one walking around tired, I know there are people who wish the same thing as me..
I am just so exhausted.
But mostly, I’m the kind of tired sleep can’t cure…
That’s probably the worst kind of all.

A new year with the same old crap

There are 7 billion people in this world, 7 billion and I’m alone.
How fucked up is that.

The feeling of loneliness is almost to hard for me to handle any more.
I find myself staring at the wall for hours at a time, just trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
I have lost all my faith in love, forever, happiness, people, myself.

I’ve never felt more alone than I do at this point in my life.
I’m so empty, and dark and so broken.
Yet, I walk around with this fake smile on my face, I take “pretty” pictures and post to my Facebook with that same fake smile.
When any one asks how I’m doing I always say the same thing “I’m fine” or “I’m alright”
When really, I’m miserable.

I feel so completely lost and so completely alone.

7 billion people in this world, 600+ friends on my Facebook, yet I have no one I trust, no one I can talk to, and no one I can turn too.

I hurt so bad, that it would hurt less to be sliced open with a dull knife.
I look at my self in the mirror and I see this little girl who just wants to be happy…included…remembered…loved…live.

I put on the make-up, I straighten my hair, I put on an act, but when I’m alone, and the make-up is smeared and my hairs a mess, I break down.
I cry like a baby, I curl up into a ball and shake, cause it’s just to much…

I’m not strong like everyone thinks, I’m not capable of facing anything, I’m not a survivor like I claim, that’s just another lie I told myself and everyone else.
I’m depressed, I’m shattered, I’m lost, I’m childlike, I’m miserable, I’m………dead inside.

I keep trying to be that optimistic girl I was knew, I keep trying to find the bright side, I keep telling myself that people like J who have just left me behind, it’s their loss not mine..but that’s just another lie I tell myself to make it easier to get up and face another lonely day.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be me, what it’s like to love from a pure heart, what it’s like to smile and mean it, what it’s like to face the day with no reservations, what it’s like to be alive.

Maybe that ‘someday’ doesn’t exist for everyone….maybe ‘someday’ is just another lie.

The anger is killing me

I’ve never been this angry in my entire life.
I’ve never wanted someone to disappear so much in my life.
Literally the rage that inside me, it’s insane.
It’s not me.
I hate it.

Joe is literally driving me to the brink of total melt down
I can feel it coming and it’s not going to be pretty.
I try  just let things go, I try to just keep my mouth shut, vent here in my blog or write B letters or write in my journal but seriously that shit isn’t working anymore.
I find myself wanting to punch walls, pull my hair out, I want to just scream until I lose my voice.
This isn’t me, I don’t act this way, I’m not an angry person, I may be a lot of things but violent is not one of them, but living with Joe is bringing that out in me and I hate it.
I hate screaming at the top of my lungs, especially when I know I’m not being heard anyway.
I hate getting all upset and NO ONE (except grandma) checks to make sure I’m okay, or stands up for me, or defends me.
They just some how turn it all around on me.
Now I’m not spinning this so when you read this you’ll take my side, I’m not trying to play the victim role, I am 100% honest, this is facts.

No one ever says “you know Joe you should probably shut the fuck up and stop talking about her mom, she is dead after all” No one ever says “Joe leave her the fuck alone”
No one ever says “You know Joe if you weren’t such a dick to her she probably wouldn’t be such a snob to you”
No one ever says “Joe get out of her face what are you fucking crazy”
Nope, never once.

So I stand my ground, and I stand it alone.
Today I was in the Lynn‘s room/office to call my sister. Now my sister had 3 seizures back to back yesterday morning so of course I was going to call her and check on her, well Joe was asleep on the bed, but I needed to check on my sister. As soon as I picked up the phone he started in. “your sister doesn’t like you, we talked about it on Christmas” Of course I knew what he was doing, I just laughed it off and ignored him.
As soon as I started talking to my sister, he started saying how he was going to take the phone cord again, unplug the internet and blah blah blah.
I got tired of it, he is not going to threaten me, I refuse to be bullied by a dope head.

Then of course it escalated into a full fledge screaming match, mature of me? No, but like I said I refuse to be bullied into silence, I refuse to be threatened and I damn sure am not going to let him control me the way he controls his girlfriend.
Then he started in on my mom.
Now this is where it gets blurry, I really blacked out. I’ve never done that before, I’ve never had that “I just saw red” moment until now.
I do know he was saying how my mom died of dope, which isn’t the case, she died of pneumonia and septic shock. He started saying how him and my mom did dope. That is when I literally seen red.
I just remember screaming at him, telling him that I hate him, and the sound of his voice makes me want to kill myself..
He got into my face one time, and I didn’t back down, I stood my ground.
Smart move? Probably not, but I wasn’t backing down. I am not taking it no more.
Then Doug came in and told us we needed to stop it…I said “make him stop talking about my mom”
Once again Doug said nothing, he just walked out of the room.
Once again, no one said “dude leave her mom out of this shit, that’s fucked up”
Once again no one stood up for me, so I stood up for myself.

Fuck being bullied, fuck being threatened and fuck him.

I went to give grandma her afternoon meds and asked her if she wanted some milk
So Joe has to pop off “that’s my milk” “I’ll pour the shit out”
I told him “go tell your grandma she can’t have any milk, no better yet I will”
As soon as I opened my mouth the story changed “Oh I said you can’t have any milk not grandma”
I said very calm “I don’t drink milk” and kept walking him.

I am tired of being treated like I don’t matter, I am sick of being threatened and bullied.
I am sick of NO ONE standing up for him.
it will stop if I have to stop it myself.

Apparently it’s been brought to my attention that on Christmas Joe told my sister all kinds of shit about me, how I’m lazy, how I never do anything, how I’m rude and disrespectful… when I asked my sister what she said in return she said the inevitable ”Nothing I just let him talking”
Like I said NO ONE (but grandma) will defend me, not even my own sister.

I really am alone.
I’m fighting this fight alone, so far I’m losing, but I refuse to go down a coward.
Everyone may blame me for the “drama” in this house, so be it. I know the truth, I know that I don’t deserve this, I know that I’m not in the wrong standing up for myself.
So let them blame me, let them get an attitude, let them look at me as if I’m the root of all evil.

I’ll be the bad guy.
But at least in the end I’ll know I allowed no one to run me over, I allowed no one to disrespect me or my mom, and I fought with all I had.

tumblr_lwtwjmmgdM1r2dej8o1_500

Sometimes I look at the sky and say “really, this is your plan?”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, I FUCKING HATE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE!!
I swear every day I get a little more impatient, a little more driven insane, a lot more fucking angry.

My grandma always seem to have to do without something because the dope heads either drink it all or eat it all (mainly ice cream since that’s all they want to eat when they’re “coming down”) I am so sick of every time she goes to get something that’s suppose to be just for her, it’s gone. I am so sick of having to watch her do without because her grandchildren can’t be more respectful and considerate when it comes to her.
It literally makes me shake with anger, and I’m not normally an angry person, but living here the last 5 months has made me one of the most angry, spiteful, hateful person ever. 
I absolutely loathe living with these people, I absolutely loathe the fact that no one except me, grandma and my 15 yrs. cousin sees what’s going on. It’s fucking ridiculous!

When grandma asked me earlier why there were no little bags to put in her trash can (like the ones you get from the grocery store) I said “cause grandma stupid people live here and throw them away” Should I of said that knowing I’d be heard, probably not, was it a mature comment to make, well no, did I care, FUCK NO!
Then of course Joe had to chime in with “you better watch your mouth” and my retort “I don’t have too, I’m grown” and left it at that. Fuck him, he CAN NOT tell me what to do, well he can tell me whatever he wants, but I don’t and will not listen to him.
I don’t understand why people in this house are so inconsiderate, so selfish, and damn right fucking useless.

The next few days are going to be hell. Joe has been asleep for 3 days, so he’s going to be a fucking cunt until the 1st. when his girlfriend gets her state check. It’s going to be walking on egg shells, don’t speak to loudly, don’t offend Joe next few days…but of course I refuse to follow that anymore. I am fucking grown, I do my part in this house, I do more than my part actually, so fuck him, and fuck trying to be quiet cause he’s sleeping. He isn’t sleeping, his body is crashing from lack of meth, so I’m sorry no one should have to tip toe around your stupid fucking dope head ass. If he doesn’t like it, he can fucking go back out in the garage where he belongs!

                                             So a friend of mine is having a birthday party the 7th. I’m invited, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it, but I am damn sure going to try my hardest. I need a night out like he needs a good birthday. I am so sick of having to miss out on everything cause no one in my fucking family will help me out with grandma. 
I’m going to talk to Lynn tonight about R’s birthday, hopefully we’ll be able to work something out, I’m hoping so, not only do I need a night away from this hell hole, but I want to see my friend, and finally meet his wife, who’ve I’ve pretty much become friends with via FB, I think our meeting is far over due.

I am praying that it works out where I can go. I so desperately need to be able to get all dressed up, go out with friends, laugh, talk about stupid shit, talk about real shit, have a drink and just be me again..Lord, I hope this works out!

I am going to be so incredibly bummed if it doesn’t…but then again nothing really works out for me, but damn it I am determined for this one little event too, it has to, for my sanity’s sake! 

 

It’s almost over….

The year is almost over, another year came and went, I’m still single, still a loser, and still alone. 
I am so NOT looking forward to 2012.

I have so much built up in my heart and mind, but I can’t seem to get any of it to come out into words, when I try to write it out, I re-read what I’ve written and it sounds stupid and insignificant, so I of course delete it and start all over again only to repeat what I just did….

I can’t but feel sad about J. We’ve been friends for 11 years, the relationship, the whole “love” thing is over, but our friendship, I really was naive enough to believe that would last, sadly I was wrong. 
Now that he’s screwing some girl, I’m not important enough to be in his life. I just don’t get how people (guys mostly) can just drop me without any remorse. I don’t understand how I can bend over backwards for someone and end up not meaning shit to them….

I’m disappointed, I’m hurt, I’m pissed, I’m lost, I’m confused, I’m lonely, I’m bitter, I’m just….so….forgotten.
That’s how I truly feel. Forgotten.

I want so badly to be apart of something spectacular, something amazing, something fun and exciting, something that is unlike anything else…I want to love and be loved, I want to have my own little life, my own little apartment, my own little 9-5 job, I want to have everything everyone else seems to have that I know…but I don’t.
I can’t even get someone to remain friends with me, I am fucking useless.

It’s not like I can go on Match.com, or Plenty of fish, or a local bar, or whatever and find a guy to date. No one going to want to date a girl who has to get “permission” to go anywhere No one is going to want to date someone who stays at home and is a “caregiver” to her grandma, who has no job, no car, no money, nothing. No one is going to pick me out and say “wow she’s a catch I better snatch her up” trust me, there is no dating in my future, but then again, I can understand that.

I used to tell myself “if someone really liked me, they’d accept my situation and make it work regardless” but that was just another lie I told myself. It’s impossible.
I’ve pretty much given up on ever dating anyone, being with anyone, or being in love.

Sure there is B, but let’s face facts, when B gets home, he’ll realize how much of a loser I am, how much I can’t do, he’ll realize I don’t really have any freedom, he’ll realize that I am not what he wants, and he’ll bail like the rest.
Now with me saying that, I do want anyone who reads this entry to know, I have been nothing but honest with B, he knows everything about me, what my current situation is like, he knows I’m a no job having, broke, worthless, maid….so it’s not like he’s expecting a doctor when he gets home…but I don’t think he realizes how much of a loser I actually am.
I’m sure when B gets home he’ll be all lovey dovey, all making plans and promises and this and that, and then he’ll turn around and bail…they all do…what is going to make him any different? 

I know, I must sound so pathetic, and so miserable and that’s because well I am exactly those things. 
I have no reason to be anything else right now….

wow, I need to just either shut up or kill myself, and do it soon! 

It’s nice to know I just don’t matter….

After 11 years of knowing J, I figured I’d at the very least get a phone call on Christmas, but no that apparently is too much to ask for.
No phone call, no visit, no gift, no NOTHING. After knowing him for 11 yrs.

I am pissed, I am hurt, I am disappointed, and I could scratch his eyes out if here were here.
I’ve tried to call him all weekend, just to chat with him, wish him a Merry Christmas, but he won’t answer my calls, he won’t answer my texts. What the fuck?!

So today I left him a very shitty, rude message. Oh yes I sure did and I don’t feel bad about it all.
I seriously can’t believe that he is being this way.
His little sister came by yesterday with some gifts from her and her mom, very thoughtful and sweet.
I didn’t ask about J, he wasn’t even brought up.
Why bring him up, he obviously could care less about me, so I should care less about him…unfortuantly I’m not like that, I always, always care too much for the people who don’t care about me…

Besides having a “friend” who has forgotten the fact that I exist, I had a nice Christmas.
It wasn’t the same of course without my mom and my aunt, but it was nice.
I went to see my dad and his wife, I spent the evening with my niece and nephew, and got a few nice things, so I can’t really complain to much about Christmas.
Except the fact that J is a fucking douche, but that’s not anything new.

Now, I have to get through New Year’s Eve without killing myself.
Okay, that was probably a little dramatic, but seriously New Year’s Eve makes me want to kill myself.
It’s the second most depressing day of the year, Valentine’s Day being the first.

I am always alone New Year’s Eve.
I’ve never had an actual “date” for New Year‘s, I’ve never had a that magical New Year’s night, where you just know things will be better and are going to change finally for the better…

That doesn’t happen to me at all.
I know exactly what I’ll be doing when the night rolls around.
Sitting on my couch, eating whatever junk food is in the house, watching some movie, taking care of grandma,
I’ll cuss myself for being so fucking lame, I’ll loathe the fact I’m single, I’ll start making a mental list of all the guys who’ve bailed on me and broke my heart, I’ll get all teary eyed cause I’m at home on my couch in my pj’s, instead of out somewhere, all dressed up with someone, I’ll vow to never celebrate New Year’s again, I’ll watch everyone else in the house get all dressed up for the night and leave…The clock will strike midnight, I’ll go to bed, and wake up the next morning and do the same thing I’ve been doing for the last year….

Everywhere I look someone is saying “happiness is a state of mind” “if you want something to change, change it” “your life is only as bad as you make it” “things will get better eventually” and blah blah fucking blah
I am not happy because I’m not setting my mind to it, I can’t change my situation, I don’t have to make my life bad, it’s bad enough on its own, and things will never get better, they just won’t.

I’ve finally accepted defeat.
I really think I’ve finally given up on the notion of romantic love.
For me, it just simply does not exist.
There is no way that I could ever date even if the chance came up.
I’m not exactly a “catch”
Things just aren’t meant to be that way for me.
I really think I’m finally accepting defeat.

I try to think of how things will be when and if B ever comes home, but I know nothing will change, things won’t just magically fall into place, I won’t just be swept off my feet. It’s just NOT going to happen.

So here I sit, in a cold room, typing this shit in this online bl0g that no one reads any way.
I have spent the day eating candy and watching t.v.
I have new clothes that I’ll never be able to where, cause where am I going to go?
The one person I wanted to talk to on Christmas didn’t call me, and still won’t.
I haven’t heard from B in a few weeks.
Everyone I know is happily in love.

I suck, life sucks, love sucks, the holidays suck,
I fucking hate everything right now.

Here’s to 2012, where nothing is going to change, nothing is going to happen and the only thing that is going to be constant is the fact that there are going to be people talking about the world ending.
Here’s to another year of no love, being single, being caged, being depressed, being lame, being a maid, and to being the suckiest person I know, ME.

My actually Christmas wish?

Not to be single anymore.
I am so tired of being alone.
I’m so tired of not having anyone to hold, to kiss, to laugh with, to talk with, to be with.
I’m just sick of it.

I know this new year won’t bring any change, but the little girl inside of me is quietly hoping.

The little girl inside of me keeps holding out for that fairytale, she keeps wishing that someday that prince charming will come and all will end well.

I am dreading New Year’s Eve. It has to be the second most depressing night of the year, only second to Valentine’s Day.
I will be at home in my pj’s, watching whatever is on t.v. with a bowl of popcorn and my dogs.
How pathetic.
I hate New Year’s Eve as much as I hate Valentine’s Day.

I know that I have B, but I don’t actually “have” him.
He’s not here and won’t be for a while yet, I don’t get to talk to him, I don’t get to touch him, or feel him, or be with him, I’m still alone.
I still don’t know exactly what to think of B and I. I mean, how can we actually be together when he’s so far away, how can  things be okay when they are so uncertain.

I have a huge fear that when B does get here….it won’t work out. Not cause I don’t want it to, cause trust me I do with every fiber of my being, but I’m afraid he’ll be like the rest and bail.

He’ll realize what a loser I actually am, he’ll realize how complicated shit is and he’ll bail like all the rest…it’s inevitable.

Regardless if it happens or not, that’s then and this is now…I am still alone for New Year’s Eve, I am still “single” and I still hate the holidays.

He calls to me

He calls to me across the miles
Night winds carry his whispers
They float on the breeze and through my windows
Falling gently upon my ears
- Hush -
I hear him now.

He calls to me from the heavens
Glittering stars cannot compare to the sparkle of his eyes
When he looks at me, I am consumed by the fire
I see him now.

He calls to me through my dreams
Dancing together in the shadows of my sleep
Where we laugh and love once again
I am in his arms
I feel him now.

He calls to me
Every moment of every day
Distance couldn’t keep us apart
When destiny drew us together
I’ll hold him for eternity
As long as he keeps calling.

Rapture

There is a place for us that no one else can enter. It is a place that holds no secrets, only beauty, peace, understanding. A place that we come to, thinking we are one, only to have our souls fused together for a moment. And in that moment, I know you; every pore, every pulse, every thought, every fear. And I love you more. I feel myself laid bare before you, and I feel content . . . joyous that you are with me, loving me in my nakedness.